AMBER LOVE 03-AUG-2013 If you follow my Twitter (@elizabethamber) or if you’re one of the few I allow on my personal Facebook Friends list, you probably know all about the ups and downs of my personal life. I’m sure readers of those updates make their own assumptions to fill in the gaps. That’s something our brains do when information is missing. This is not a post complaining or about self pity. It is about reflection and discovery. Don’t misunderstand those words. Neither reflection nor discovery have to be happy joyful components to one’s life but they are necessary.
In one week, I’ll be turning 41. I did not want to get passed 35.
After two horribly failed marriages, lots of failed romances, break ups with friends I thought would always be with me, job losses, debt, surgery, identity change, and uprooting my life every so often, there has been virtually nothing that makes me feel like I contributed anything to this world. This suffocating feeling that is always with me is partially why I do charity work; I also do it because it simply needs to be done.
Even my actual biological family life is sad and depressing. The only people who have shared DNA that talk to me are my parents and that’s because I live with them (none of the rest better ask me for a kidney). My father doesn’t even talk much at all. In 41 years he’s never figured out how to have a conversation with a daughter. Not once. Last night, yet another really inappropriate comment was said. I’ve tried working on cars with him. I tried including him in ice hockey when I was a teenager and I used to love it. I even tried to join the Army because I could not figure out what to do with my life but that’s the moment my mother said she’d disown Â me. I would have had literally no one in my family. Now I brush off my father’s lack of social skills on the fact that his hearing is pretty well shot from a life inside trucks and tanks. So when it comes to feeling connected to anyone in my family, that leaves only my mother who is so used to me sharing everything that she has zero concept of boundaries. My life truly takes on scenes from a sitcom when she has to talk to me while I’m in the shower or on the toilet or trying to have a private conversation over Skype (I really don’t need that to happen when I’m topless and talking to someone I’m in love with, ‘mkay thanks.)
This year is no different in filling my life with feelings of despair. My heart was once again ripped from the compressed cage of bones, yanked through the sinewy connective tissue, and thrown in the cosmic blender of failed relationships. This makes for the most bitter smoothie of all creation. During this time of depression, I did post to Facebook where I reminded people of what Demi Moore said after her overdose. She had had her heartbroken too. Here was this woman who was successful, a mother, a great role model to women in entertainment, and the world’s most famous cougar who nabbed Ashton Kutcher. Yet, her heart got destroyed when they broke up. She is not a Titan nor an Amazon. She was an emotional wreck who described to the press that she felt “unlovable.” A woman that beautiful and smart who was busily contributing to feminism felt unlovable. And so do I which is why I posted about it.
I was grateful beyond words for all the messages I received from kind people, mostly men in my life I only get to visit once or twice a year. Good people. People who told me the problem wasn’t with me it was with the person hurting me. That sounds appropriate as the thing to say in situations like this. “It’s their loss.” “You are beautiful and smart.” “Anyone would be lucky to have you.” And so on.
Like most women I bet, I immediately blamed my physical self for its state of being. I’m now one point away from being Obese again according to the currently maligned system in place called the Body Mass Index. I also blamed mental illness because I was dumped a few years ago and was told it’s because he couldn’t handle things like my moods and daily crying.
The thing is, I do have some lengthy moments in my schedule where I have time to self-reflect. This is one of the greatest things about the figure modeling I do. It’s three hours of actively posing where my mind needs to go somewhere so it is my meditation. It is where I find comfort. After three hours I get to look at beautiful art too. While I’m modeling I always wish I was thinner and more suitably sculpted like a Greek statue with perfectly defined musculature. You can’t see any of my muscles but you really couldn’t see them even at my physical best of 120 pounds and dedicated to pilates. I have soft features and that’s all there is to it. I don’t mind that. I don’t like hardbodied women personally.
Yesterday I had a text conversation with a friend who politely said he finds me beautiful; he’s a thin guy that would be labeled a “chubby chaser”. That was the moment when words popped in my head that I thought I could finally express more clearly than I have all these years. Even though I’ve said I’m fine with my body and my weight but I’m not happy with it, the words never came out right to explain my feelings. I definitely don’t feel well. Since moving back into this very old house in the sticks I can’t breathe which wasn’t ever a problem when I had a condo next to a farm. I’m still fatigued all the time which never changed when I was thinner. But a big difference is my loss of flexibility since not doing yoga or pilates.
And before anyone says, “So go back to working out,” just take this with love: fuck off. I’ll do what I need to when I’m ready to. Your pushing won’t get me there. It will freak me out from the pressure and keep me from leaving the house.
But yesterday’s conversation with my friend presented me with these words:
I’ve had my heart broken and been in despair at every possible weight/health milestone. Being “healthy” and “hot” didn’t stop it.
Reality is, those people who took their own actions to either leave or have me boot them out of my life because of their behavior don’t think they were lucky to know me. If they did, why didn’t it work?
Perhaps yes. Timing can be interpreted in different ways. It can mean age, maturity level, schedules with work, or maybe they’re in relationships outside that need to be ended first. Timing seems to be a major factor.
Regardless, I am a firm believer that if it’s your time to die, you don’t necessarily get to prepare for it.
* You absolutely should tell people you love them every single day even if you’re fighting.
* You should never say something you don’t mean – or if you do, man up and apologize – make it right.
* People do not come from cookie cutters. In the immortal words of Dharma Freedom Finkelstein, “The differences are the point.”
11 Comments on Personal: @elizabethamber (slightly NSFW) I’ll be turning 41. I did not want to get passed 35.
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I can’t really pretend that I know what you’ve been through, but I really admire this tremendous drive you have. I know too many people who just give up, bit by bit. I have that inner nagging as well, and even though it’s annoying as hell, I know it’s what’s keeping me alive and moving me upward. It’s when it shuts up that I’m worried… I don’t know if you see it as a life force. Anyway :
– what body issues? Your newest photo shoot looks fantastic judging by the tease
– thanks for explaining what goes through the mind of a model while posing. Was always a mistery to me.
And all in all : you’re the best!
Thanks, Eric. Modeling is honestly the greatest thing I have and sadly I don’t get to do it enough. I’m so damn tired that I don’t take all the night assignments I could have had. It’s too much.
My Dad is like that too. We can sit in silence for days and the only time he will talk to me is on the long drives to and from his place >_<
I'm pretty sure theres nothing we as children can do to fix that :/
I agree. I give up trying with him and live to stay out of his way. He’s more racist and homophobic by the day due in part, I believe to his friends and their extremely phobic ways. Meanwhile, I had my lesbian girlfriend here under his roof for two years. I listened to a few snide remarks but never got kicked to the curb for it. I just consider myself lucky for the shelter and care I do get.
I know that I am very happy that you will be 41 and didn’t leave this world at 35. I would never have seen your amazing site and pictures, or been able to enjoy your postings, rants and Vodka O’clock posts. For me you are a truely beautiful person inside and out, no matter how thin you think you look or feel. You are a continual bright spot in otherwise mundane days and weeks. I’m sure that I am not alone in saying that you make all of our lives a little brighter. It’s my fervant hope and belief that you will find happiness and continue to brighten all of our days.
Jim ( A very big fan!!)
Thanks, Jim. It’s SO bizarre to think I’m any kind of bright spot for anything because I feel like I live inside a black funnel cloud.
I kind of know how you’re feeling, without the failed marriages, but definitely with the bad family relations and the pain. I’m also turning 30 soon, and I know that’s still really young, but honestly, I still think I’m 18 sometimes. Hell, I still think I’m FIVE sometimes. No one ever prepared me for not being a kid anymore.
But I am glad you’re still around, I know I only see you a few times a year but I’m glad to see you. I had given up on my love life at a way younger age than I should, and my gf came into my life, and I’m pretty at peace with that. I don’t know if it’s naive or overly optimistic, but I hope you can find someone too, and that they treat you as well as you deserve, which is sometimes more than you think it should be, and less than what people offer. Don’t let the former become a truth, because it’s so seductive and easy to believe that you don’t deserve happiness, I know from experience. And don’t let the latter make you settle, because your happiness is the most important thing you have.
I thought I’d be a superstar writer by now, in the Hickman/Morrison/Fraction mold… alas, that’s not true. I’ll keep going for it, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll make it. Whatever it is you do, at least know that you have a fan in me.
Thanks, Raph. It’s always good running into you too. I know your family drama is beyond what anyone should have to deal with and I marvel at how you’ve survived it.
you are the best you that you can be. The marriages and relationships that have gone south do not define you. They hurt and a part of you becomes hard and other stuff fucks you up…but it also makes you stronger. You are the same awesome person you have always been…you are YOU. I do not know you personally, I have talked to you at a couple of Cons and you seem very down to earth, cool and normal [unless normal is an insult to you..lol]..I love how in your posts on FB and on here you express what you see and think and are straight up. A strong woman is a great thing. Part of me hurts with you….I have been hurt, used and have a marriage that failed. I lost my parents and my in laws [who I loved dearly even though my ex was not so nice of a person] all in 4 straight yrs. I know what it is to be depressed, very much so. I know what it is to be unhappy with ones body.
But I am here to tell you…..you are smart, gorgeous, strong, and awesome…your smile is out of this world. Thank you for sharing this…and as far as age goes…it is just a number .
p.s….the part you hate the most…I think is the sexiest besides your eyes and smile.
Thank you, Jody. “Cool” and “down to earth” are actually huge compliments for me. Yeah, fuck normal. Who needs normal? I am absolutely 100% real and genuine. If other people feel compelled to take advantage of it, that says a lot about them. There’s a saying: Never piss off a writer or you will end up a character in a book that meets an untimely demise. Or something along those lines. 😉
LOL…fuck normal indeed. I just wanted to you to know that there is someone in your corner. Even if we are strangers more or less..I think it is always good to have someone in your corner, and who knows how you feel …to a certain extent. Cheer Up Buttercup and just be YOU….as is…beautiful, smart, honest, down to earth…and a bit Sassy. 😉 cuz that is the Amber we always want to read and see at Cons…or where ever.