AMBER LOVE 11-AUG-2013 I prefer not to think of relationships as having endings. I’ve been through the wringer and I’m worn out. I feel like I have lead the equivalent of 20 lives emotionally but certainly not in terms of achievements. This post is not about achievements at all. It’s all about personal connections, their emotions and what it means to be remorseful. The other day I had a conversation with a friend and told him that one of the powers I want is to remove my heart so I can stop loving people (like in Practical Magic’s spell to never fall in love and Once Upon a Time’s Cora character); he said, “Then you wouldn’t be you.” Because this is how I am; I tend to love people way too easily and it is almost never a good thing. I’ve declared today AMBER AMNESTY DAY.
remorse: noun 1. deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.
This is a completely made up event by me which happens to occur on my birthday and wherein I invite people who have wronged, hurt, or misjudged me to message me your confession and apology; I’ll take as long as I need but in the end all my heart wants to do is forgive (and perhaps move on). I’ll grant you my own personal absolution. What’s bizarre yet on par for the sort of thing that happens in my life, is that while this post sat in drafts, I received a birthday card from someone who was extremely important to my life at one time and it included an apology. It wasn’t specific but it was there.
I also think this practice of forgiveness is something people I’ve hurt should consider doing. I’m not an eloquent woman; I don’t hold back and say things bluntly which hurts people from time to time. I’ll work on how to be more delicate while still being able to express what I’m trying to say.
Amnesty does not mean we will ever be friends again.
Amnesty does not mean I will ever trust you again.
Amnesty does not mean I will ever love you again.
It means I am open to hearing what you have to say and I will pardon that indiscretion to the very best of my ability as a scarred woman.
I’m not asking for platitudes from the entire Internet. This is not about ego – mine or yours; I’d prefer to have them checked at the door. This is about mending what’s been broken by real people in my life.
What I predict of this social experiment is that I’ll hear from a couple people who care about me and they’ll express offerings of regret pertaining to behaviors that I’m not holding inside my heart. That’s the way some people are. They’ll wonder if I need to forgive small sleights like cutting in front of me at the Starbucks kiosk of the Javits Center or that time they told a joke that was kind of offensive but aren’t sure how I took it. I’m more than happy to hear what you have to say if that’s the case. What I’m really looking for are the “biggies” like lying to me, misleading me, and using me for some sort of gain that I would need explained since I can’t possibly think of what good I am to anyone.
I don’t embrace the cliche, “If you love something, let it go.” I believe if you love something, you fight like hell to hang on to it.
As I said, I prefer not to think of relationships as having endings. There are definitely valid reasons for not allowing someone back in my life. Some memories have been killed off by years of poorly prescribed medicines and my own natural yet significant lapses in time. The memories that last keep me from having an “ending” to a relationship of any kind even if the relationship was not romantic or friendship (ie., business peer, casual acquaintance, competitor, new girlfriend of my Ex, etc.) Instead of “ending” something, I see it as a status of a particular place in time: Not speaking, stalemate, too embarrassed to reconnect, too angry, too indifferent and truly don’t care. Those are examples of what I mean. There are relationships that derail and I’m the type that prefers to get them back on an acceptable course even if that course means the air has been cleared and we don’t need to be in each others’ lives ever again.
It’s my day. My birthday. And I prefer to transform this heartache and emptiness into something better. If that means a clean break and never speaking again while remembering what there was, fine. Then closure it is. But if there’s a chance that it means your own self-reflection has shown that you might have been a shit to me at some point and you want to clear the air, that’s damn fine progress in my opinion.