Cats photoshopped as noir detectives

AMBER LOVE 30-May-2017 My work is supported by the generous backers at who also get first access to what’s happening. A suitable prequel to this would be Adventures in Cat Adoption parts one and two.


If you’re following along on Instagram @amberunmasked, you’ve likely seen the fun photos of Gus and Oliver cruising around in their buggies. They love to go for rides in their buggies. In the house, they’ll jump in them and cry demanding to be taken out.

Cats in strollers

Last week, I decided to start Gus on leash training. Caico was always so cool with being a leash or in her buggy. In fact all she usually did was take a few steps and lie down. She was one that could be trusted off-leash which I only did for photos when she was too old to run away. Gus, however, is a rebellious teen who likes to fuck with everyone. I was excited about leash training the boy though because we actually found a leash that matched his harness and had pineapples on it! Psych themed!

Shawn Spencer with pineapple

Saturday went something like this: Both cats got their buggy rides up the driveway and through the trails. I put the harness and leash on Gus and put him down on the back porch.

Amber walking Gus on leash

He did better walking on the leash this time. He went over to the disastrous patio area to smell stuff (perhaps the snake later discovered). When he got too close to the front yard, I picked him up and moved him to the fairy garden.

 Cat smelling fairy statue butt
“Fairy butts smell magical.”

He went through there and headed for the woods. There is another trail there, but I figured we’d stick to the yard proper first.

Gus by a big tree

We covered the yard and I brought him back inside at which point, other humans were wrestling with Ollie to get his harness on. Either spooked by that or simply rejecting the harness being on him while indoors, Gus went a little berserk. Eventually I got his harness off.

Orange cat on leash

Ollie enjoyed a much shorter walk outside. He’s slower and soaks up all the clues before considering moving forward. He didn’t cover much ground and was brought inside.

I went upstairs to rest or read, I can’t even remember now, when I heard human voices that sounded alarming or just not right. I ran down to check and Gus was running through the yard free as a bird. I was already tired from the walks and had to bolt into cardio mode. Then I’d stop and try to walk inch by inch (don’t break the rice paper) in order to not spook the crazy over-stimulated cat. He kept taking off. At one point getting far too close to the front yard and hence the road. When he got to the fairy garden, I did get my hands on him but he squirmed and hissed; then I tripped on a root and he got away. Considering a week ago, I had about 36 hours where I couldn’t even walk, it was pretty impressive.

Much later on when I was having my nervous breakdown from the experience, all I could think about was a) the cat getting hit by a car; and b) the dog in Funny Farm who ran away and just kept running.

Before the breakdown though, Cranky Old Man human got on his new riding mower and decided chasing the cat was the best option to herd him back towards the back door. At this point, I was wishing Rocky were still alive and willing to do this herding in his blood because the situation now resembled a horror movie. No, seriously. My brain chemistry cartoonified the scene and it was like a giant with a scowling face and missing teeth on a tractor coming after us and we all small, running, trying to get away.  Picture the crabby farmer in the Secret of the NIMH getting the plow through the field.

Secret of NIMH Mrs. Brisby and Mr. Aegis

The women were shouting for him to stop and he wouldn’t. Gus took off for the woods where he was happy to find a bunny. He started to chase the bunny – at least we knew where he was and it was away from the street. Then the mower came out from the far side of the trail scaring the crap out of him and driving my anxiety straight to the Moon. I was livid. The cat took off.

Gus stopped at the big maple tree in the yard to catch his breath. By the time I caught up to him, the halluci-animation stopped. I couldn’t get closer then twenty or thirty feet and he’d move again. He even laid down in the grass and panted. We’re both out of shape. But that mower with the Cranky Old Man kept coming. Then Gus got close to the front yard again. I circled around one flank with the other reasonable human staying further back all the while the blasting engine coming close yet again.

Finally, Gus darted through the lower part of the yard and ran into the house. According to Cranky Old Man, the situation was all my fault even though I’m not the one who let Gus out the door. I’ve been watching a whole lot of Jackson Galaxy (My Cat from Hell) and cats with a lot of energy need stimulation like learning to walk on leashes or having safe access to their territory since strays invade all the time.

Jackson Galaxy gives advice


No one gives a shit that I’ve done what the leading expert says to do. I’m not going to stop giving them buggy rides or taking Gus out on his leash either. I just picked up flea and tick medicine. He’s an adventurous and courageous cat who needs fun. (Continue to chapter two)

Besides Jackson Galaxy, I have several other cat therapies. Mainly the hundreds of cats I follow on Instagram. Pretty sure, IG thinks I’m Russian since I follow so many Russian Oriental Shorthairs. There’s also Mo Show the Cat Rapper!

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