THIS FUCKING WEEK

AMBER LOVE 01-SEP-2019 This work is supported by the generous backers who adore my cat stories at Patreon.com/amberunmasked and they also get first access to what’s happening with my books and podcast. For a one-time tip, you can go to the new PayPal.me.

This has been not a good week in a few ways, but mainly the saga of this cell phone. Just go read my Twitter @elizabethamber to get caught up. This Pixel2 is the WORST (*jean-ralphio musical voice*)

Captain’s Log: I’m now on Day 3 of having to deal with this garbage mobile device called the Google Pixel 2. I had three dudes in the cell phone store stumped with how to get Instagram or any of my photo editing apps to work with the so-called “Google Photos” which has replaced the ease and simplicity of a local drive photo gallery. Condescending Bro kept trying to me that the photos are on the phone not “the cloud.” Dude, they are not on this fucking phone anywhere. You cannot drag and drop to the actual phone. You plug the phone in and get a blank explorer window. There’s no file tree. I was so done. Then Third Dude tried convincing me that I need to screenshot any photos I want to use in order to get them in this bullshit, unsorted, chaos of newest to oldest as opposed to organized galleries and then post screenshots to IG. Did he really think I was going to say okay to that? I wish I had the security footage of the look on my face when I said, “I’m not doing that.”

I get that I was the “old fart” customer who uses Instagram while “these kids today” probably are on to GrizzlDump or whatever. I mean, Snapchat has actual commercials now so you know kids aren’t using that anymore if it’s mainstream.

Every phone I asked about that was on display, it was like they refused to sell me because they have to push the new Samsung S10 and Note so hard. Out of curiosity I asked for the price. $50/month. No, thank you. Now go get me the prices of the LGs and the S9. Douchebro firmly said repeatedly, “if you don’t like the Pixel you won’t like the LG. It’s the same phone made by LG with a different name on it.” I asked to see a demo anyway. They couldn’t do it. The phones weren’t plugged in because those two displays will “trigger an alarm.” So I flipped through the S9 and it’s identical to my S8 which was smashed. (Btw, I asked for my S8 back and they had already sent it out). I asked Douchebro to order me the S9+. He says he can’t because no one has them. “But it is on display.” “We just haven’t taken them down yet.”

So the phones you do have, I can’t demo. But the phones you don’t have, I can demo and you won’t sell me.

I gritted my teeth and said, “fine, get me the S9 then. I don’t care. I just want something I know will work.”

Click, click, click — in his slumped posture, he had the nerve to ask me “black or purple” as if I give a fucking shit at this point. “BLACK! I don’t care!”

“It’ll take 4-5 days then Dana will call you.” Oh great, Dana. The girl who told me this Pixel was the answer to my prayers as someone who takes a ton of photos. I can’t fucking wait to see Dana again! We’ve already had such a great time the other two days I spent with her.

Cut to me at home felling better that in time, I will get a phone that actually works. I finish what I needed to at my desk. Took Gus on the balcony for 5 minutes, came in, back out, came in, back out, came in (he’s a cat, you get it). Finally I shower and sit in bed to read. But first, I was feeling better than the day before so I wanted to meditate. I take out my earbuds and grab this stupid fucking Pixel phone from the nightstand in order to use Insight Timer.

IT DOESN’T HAVE A 3.5 MM JACK!

That’s right. It comes with an adapter inside the box that you have carry around with you. I said FUCK THAT as I was not about to get the box out of my tote bag and deal with that fucking phone. I just opened my Kindle and continued reading Felicia Day’s newest book coming out, Embrace Your Weird. I have the advanced copy and look forward to reviewing it more fully.

By 8:30pm I was ready for bed because I had had enough. I wanted sleep. I set the TV timer and rolled over. Gus was there. All seemed good.

Cut to 10:30pm as a SCREECH-SHRED-THUNK-THUNK sound sends Gus and I jumping from the bed.

I grabbed my enormous maglite (the ones cops carry to beat people with) and shined it through the open windows to the road. I couldn’t see anything but noticed the house across the street had a motion light on. I sat and thought about it and figured, there might be something out there that I couldn’t see from the windows. Pulled on pajama pants and shoes and walked out the driveway to the street. I looked around and clearly there was no disabled motor vehicle. I thought I saw my neighbor out there too. He walked over and we chatted. But it was dark even with the lights and couldn’t see anything. He went back inside.

I walked halfway down the length of the wall fortress around the property and found a plastic piece that would go in a wheel well. A few feet from there, I found a large chip of metallic black paint. I put the plastic on the wall and took the paint chip inside to show my dad in the morning (he slept through all this).

In the morning he and Oliver were on the observation which looks over the back. I told him what happened and he went to investigate. Oliver went inside and jumped up to a front window to watch from there. Gus and I were outside walking around. The Grumpy Old Man found more plastic and discovered that the corner of the wall — the corner that had cut back last time the wall was reconstructed because people kept hitting it and it is now covered in about six or seven reflective arrows and things — was scraped from the bottom all the way over the top ledge about an inch. Black paint and scrape marks. The driver is not looking at a mere scratch. There’s a formerly shiny black car out there with its passenger side shredded.

I was so proud of Gus and Oliver for their assistance. Gus was in the hydrangeas looking for any other parts that may have flown over the wall.

Then we went about our daily patrol and put out more peanuts. The Grumpy Old Man called me to the garage to help with brakes. He said, “Come on, Gus, time to work,” and the boy came running. I got to ride up in the lift to pump brakes while Gus was below at a safe distance poking around all the stuff. Then I was shifted back down to the floor and told Gus we were all done. He went out a side bay and ran like hell around to the front main bay and stopped. He was so excited and pleased with himself so I gave him a couple Good Boy treats of dried chicken.

Sadly, my Instagrams will be quiet until I get this other phone. Right now I basically have a clock with Twitter.

Update:

Here I am a day later to report that this shit Pixel2 also does not have manual settings for the camera. It may be a great 13MP camera but you have to adhere to their constraints of settings. This morning I was photographing the sunrise and the “auto” setting washed out all the brilliant colors. I took two pictures and looked at them in the camera and they looked nothing like the sky I was watching. I switched to their “sunny” setting and that was pretty close.

I have about four more days to go with this Pixel before the S9 is delivered. Making the best of this situation and just using it however I can even though it won’t allow me to make collages or retrieve photos from my “Photos”.

Founder and Editor-in-Chief of AmberUnmasked.com and Vodka O'Clock Podcast. Author of The Farrah Wethers Mysteries, comic book short stories, prose, and non-fiction. Cosplayer and figure model.