Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency Year Three: Case File No. 15-119

cats

AMBER LOVE 26-AUG-2019 Catch up on Year One and previous Year Two cases at the Winchester-Nabu Detective Agency. We are in YEAR THREE!

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Where We Left Off:

We suspect that there’s a new sect of the Freemason Brotherhood involved with bringing machines to life, the Frankenmasons.


Blues in the Hood

It seems like an appropriate time to give an update on the gang of blue jays and how they’re interacting with the squirrels and chipmunk mafia. It’s been difficult to sort out. Most days they look like enemies, but then we’ll observe them coexisting and even chatting. What the hell is up with that?

The blue jays aren’t the only ones making their mark at the Winchester-Nabu estate. The crows have returned which we love. They keep to themselves usually. They’re only loud when appropriate. Usually they’re heard more than seen. Sometimes they leave me feathers. Two days ago I was scared watching a red-tailed hawk chasing a crow passed the house! And this time I was sure it was a red-tailed hawk because they were so close and I saw the banding on the tail feathers. I don’t know what that crow did to piss off the hawk. I won’t victim-blame so I’m more inclined to believe the hawk might have been having an aggressive mood to protect what it thinks is its territory. Dude, we have to share.

 

As far as the blue jays go, they have an interesting relationship with the cardinal mating pair, Stan and Joan. They don’t bother them at all. Stan and Joan will take their share of peanuts from different snack locations, but they aren’t greedy. The blue jays, however, are pretty greedy.

 

The blue jays are run by the boss Louie Eggs Consalvo. He’s got a few goons under him. It doesn’t seem like an army until they’re all in one tree stalking you with those beady those and body language that lets you know they can make your day suck if you make one wrong move. As far as we can tell, Louie Eggs has no idea that Johnny Stool Pigeon, one of his street-level thugs, is a big ol’ blabbermouth.

Stephen Colbert fake news

Do you remember that game in kindergarten (bare with me, I’m talking about the 1970’s) where you sit in a circle; the teacher gives a word or sentence to the first person and they have to whisper it to the next person and the message goes all the way around? By the end of the circle, the word or sentence is never ever like it started. It’s a game of showing how easily it is to have miscommunication and misunderstandings. A great lesson in real life, but not so great when that’s your street intel.

Gus heard from Gnomez Addams who heard from the fairy, Ida Ogg who basically ignored Johnny Stool Pigeon while he was running his mouth, that there was a murder on July 7th and the blue jays may be the ones responsible! Gus and I didn’t have anything to go on since Oliver Winchester and his butler reported the crime. We went out and took photos of the crime scene, but there wasn’t any evidence to collect (except the tiny body and I decided to leave it there). All that Ida could tell us was that Johnny mentioned murder, it was July 7th, and the name Silvia DeCitta was tossed in. Ida doesn’t know for sure if Johnny was ratting out Silvia or if he meant something else.

We caught chipmunk mafia boss, Cheeks Moretti, having a breakfast meeting with Louie Eggs. Gus has been working on his lip and beak reading skills. He’s not proficient, but it’s all we have to go on right now. Gus said that Cheeks Moretti ordered the hit on the teenage catbird (I’ll get into how that was decoded in a bit). But why? The catbird babies were just learning to leave the nest. This little one didn’t make it because someone else ended her life too soon and it wasn’t Gus this time.

jake peralta

Come to think of it, we haven’t seen Frankie the Prime Minister in weeks either. Has Cheeks been issuing hits left and right? Did Frankie get two pairs of little cement shoes? We’re a bit worried thinking Cheeks has that much muscle to push around. He gets a tribute almost every day and we expect that to keep things peaceful for all the families. Why would Cheeks be making this kind of trouble now? And was the red-tailed hawk another assassin on the payroll?

One case at a time.

The young catbird is definitely the most pressing one since we know there was a death and now have a lead that it was murder made to look like an accidental death of the bird falling while practicing flying.

  • Species: Grey Catbird (Dumetella carolinensis)
  • Age: approximately two-weeks old
  • Name: Donatella Thornbush
  • Date of Death: 07-July-2019

Without getting a signed witness statement from Johnny Stool Pigeon himself, we’re only able to supply what Ida told us and what Gus could glean from watching the gang leaders’ meeting. The catbirds come to New Jersey for breeding season specifically. They’re plentiful, but that doesn’t mean we want to see one murdered senselessly (like not being used for food). This catbird family nested in the burning bush which isn’t just one bush. It’s a whole hedgerow at the border protected by Moretti’s underling, Sgt. Burrows. It’s the perfect environment for catbirds. They have access to crickets and berries for food. There are utility wires and plenty of other shrubbery for perching.

This hedgerow of burning bushes abuts the cement pad where Cheeks Moretti’s rock fortress surrounds two and a half sides. With Sgt. Burrows and Lil’ Chip Amunko having such easy access to these hedges, there’s no doubt that information on the catbird activity gets back to Moretti. Catbirds aren’t threatening types. They make good neighbors. The motive here is what we were after.

Rachel Maddow

Gus told me what he could from his stakeout: “Cheeks said, ‘the girb knows our mopping station.’ And then Louie Eggs said something like, ‘cost ya two pops of pee smut.”

“Gus, that can’t possibly be what they said. Let’s decode this. You’ve clearly been sniffing Oliver’s butt a bit too much.”

cat Gus

Girb? That could be girl or bird. Mopping station? Probably meant operation. Now for the last part. “Cost ya two pops of pee smut.” This isn’t the Steele dossier. No way that’s what Louie said. Two pops? Two pounds? Probably pounds. Pee smut? Ewww. Really, Gus? Peanuts!

Moretti wouldn’t get his own hands dirty. The blue jays are already known for their aggression so they’d make hired assassins. We took the new information back to Oliver and he agreed with our findings.


Case Findings:

For two pounds of peanuts, the blue jays would take care of the girl bird who knew too much about whatever Moretti is up to! That’s why Moretti was willing to hire outsiders to silence the catbird.

Status: Closed

Appendix 1: An updated version of the Moretti Crime Organization

chipmunk mafia org chart

 

Appendix 2: A chart of the Blue Jay Gang Organization

blue jay organization chart


After closing the murder case, the cat detectives turned to yoga and catnip to release the pressure of their jobs.

cats Gus and Oliver
Catnip and cat yoga after a job well done.

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